The Scarecrow and Ms Quinn
by Jan Q
Summary: ."So this is what you girls do for fun" It was Selina "Catwoma" Kyle and it was a business call. Selina wanted information on what Crane was doing. Why was he doing the Rumba with Rosie the rosebush. Femslash
1. Chapter 1

The road to Arkham is paved with well intentions, what the heck does that mean thought Harley Quinn.

Jonathan "The Scarecrow" Crane had been given a clean bill of health - rubber stamped by the geeks at Arkham Asylum. He was now ready to rejoin the greater community as a productive cooperative member of Gotham society. Harley and Prof. Crane had always gotten on well together when they were both incarcerated in Arkham - they were after all colleagues in the same esteemed medical profession (Pamela " Poison Ivy" Isley on the other hand was nothing but a glorified gardener). Crane was also a Giant among men in the study of phobias. His research papers were designated de rigor reading for aspiring psychiatry students and horror movie auteurs. His theories on early childhood phobias were considered to be sanctum. His lectures on coulrophobia filled entire campus auditoriums with screaming nubile blonde coeds. The man was THE rock god of mental health professionals, but most importantly he was Harley Quinn's friend and so it was with immense pleasure that Harley (squealing with delight) agreed over the phone with Dr Leland to act as Crane's sponsor on his release from Arkham.

Despite the horrible Gotham weather (It was turning out to be another wet cold winter), Harley Quinn thought it nothing (nothing at all) to brave the mud, wind and rain in the drive up to Arkham to collect her dear dear friend. It wasn't everyday that one had the honor of being a rock god's sponsor, especially one of Crane's magnitude. Pamela however had elected to remain where she was under her nice warm grow light, surrounded by her nice attentive plants (they preferred the term plant person or plant people to the more derogative term "mutant"), in her nice secure loft located in a nice up and coming inner city neighborhood. Gotham winters were becoming increasingly wet and wild (global warming) and Pam liked to keep herself warm or if possible comfortable or if at all possible she would rather sleep until spring.

Pamela was still sleeping under her sun lamp surrounded by a nest of silent sinister looking hawthorns when Harley Quinn and Prof. Crane (that brilliant man) made their way into her lair.

"My.... Ivy looks just wonderful. Its a miracle what a little sun and water and tender loving care can do. I say dear child you really do have a green thumb." Crane remarked as he casted admiring glances at Pamela's beautiful lithe figure beneath the now swaying mass of hawthorns. Even Harley had to agree that Pam was looking good despite the horrible weather (nothing grows in Gotham) - it really was wonderful what these new low voltage long life grow lights could do.

"Do you have to read to her a lot these days?" asked Crane as the rosebush helped him out of his wet coat, his eyes spying in the dim light an open book that Harley had discarded aside on the floor. Crane was of course careful to make sure that he kept his distance from the sleeping figure. He was quite well aware that his presence unlike Harley Quinn's was beginning to agitate the hawthorns.

Harley smiled and nodded. Although Pamela was more than capable of making her own reading choices, she was spending less and less time awake as the days grew shorter and Gotham descended into winter. Reading aloud to Pamela was Harley's way of reaching out to her as she slumbered, a gentle reminder to Pamela that she wasn't alone. That was one of the reasons Harley was so looking forward to spending some time with Crane. The quiet days would be wonderful now that Prof. Crane was out of Arkham, there were so many things she wanted to consult him on. He really was a brilliant man.

Harley Quinn had arranged for Jonathan Crane to stay in an apartment across the street from them. Pamela had purchased the entire block a few years back for redevelopment and her estate manager had done wonders for property prices in the area. Where once there was nothing but boarded up shops left looted with broken windows and dirty desolated apartment blocks occupied by human junkies, there was now independent bookstores, ethnic eateries and grocery shops offering strange and wonderful fruit and vegetables, green air pockets and renovated inner city housing popular with students and yuppies. Harley was sure that Prof. Crane would love living in such a vibrant little community after dull drab Arkham and surprisingly Jonathan Crane did in a very big way.

The second week Jonathan Crane left Arkham saw Harley Quinn flat on her back on the floor of Pamela's loft. In the preceding weeks, Crane had overloaded her digestive system with mirchi bada, buknu, bhujiya, chaat, kachori, imarti, several types of pickles (known as achar), murabba, sharbat, aam panna and aam papad, followed by gulab jamun, jalebi, peda, petha, rewdi, gajak, bal mithai, singori, kulfi, falooda, khaja, ras malai, gulkand, and several varieties of laddu, barfi and halwa. He had dragged her to meet the neighbors in his building, the neighbors in Pamela's building, the neighbors down the street from Pamela's building, the nice Chinese couple at the corner grocery store and the neighbors down the street from his building. Harley Quinn swore that if she had to smile at yet another neighbor her face would crack side to side like a mirror. The plants likewise adored him (with the exception of the hawthorns who snapped at anything that came too close). On Monday, he had taken Rosie (the rosebush) to his Rumba class; he had done the Tennessee Waltz on Wednesday with Sunflower, Tangoed the night away on Friday with Lily and topped it off with the Funky Chicken on Sunday with Saffron. Suddenly the loft was alive with jiving, jiggling foliage (the place was beginning to resemble The Jungle Book on Ice as Pamela dryly put it as a couple of tulips cha cha their way down the hallway). Anyway though Harley Quinn who had thought that plants liked to dance, go figure.

And now Crane and Pamela were buzzing over each other like flies on carrion. They were working out (to their mutual insane delight) formulas for synthesizing new and terrible deliriants. There must be no barriers to freedom of inquiry Crane thundered. There is no place for dogma in science. The scientist is free, and must be free to ask any question, to doubt any assertion, to seek for any evidence, to correct any errors (it was not necessary to preach to the converted, Harley had heard the same old speech from Pamela. It was a wonder why criminally insane geniuses were always quota ting Oppenheimer). Harley Quinn was dead meat.

"Harley girl, why don't you be USEFUL and get poor Prof. Crane a LATTE." Pamela drawled distractedly under a mountain of papers scribbled with complex algorithm and symbols. Pamela was feeling allot more frisky (in more ways than one) since Crane had the man from the gardening shop install a high pressure sodium lamp ( they came recommended for use to trigger a greater flowering response in plants).

Harley shook her head, she didn't think it would be a good idea to get up off the floor given that she wasn't feeling very well. Who would have thought that mirchi bada, buknu, bhujiya, chaat, kachori, imarti, several types of pickles (known as achar), murabba, sharbat, aam panna and aam papad, followed by gulab jamun, jalebi, peda, petha, rewdi, gajak, bal mithai, singori, kulfi, falooda, khaja, ras malai, gulkand, and several varieties of laddu, barfi and halwa won't have agreed with her. Go figure.

"Yes, I could do with a nice hot LATTE from round the CORNER, if it isn't too much trouble." Crane injected quickly as he went through the copious notes stacked on the table. Harley nodded and was out the door in a flash. A Latte for Prof. Crane. Considered it do.

"I owe you, Isley" Crane hissed his voice a sinister whisper in the now strangely quiet loft.

"You owe me plenty, Crane" Pamela hissed back, her hawthorns snapping and whipping the air violently.

"That's PROFESSOR CRANE to you"

"And that's DR ISLEY to you".

"Why you overgrown potted PLANT...........I have half a mind to pour a bottle of HERBICIDE over your LITTLE GREEN HEAD only it would upset that dear child too much"

"And I have half a mind to ask my HAWTHORN here to shove her VINES up that BEAK you call a NOSE only HARLEY won't let me"

"You're been feeding people to that mutant pitcher plant you keep in your private hideaway over the Saucy Tomato, thinking of trying out for Gotham's Funniest Home Videos are we?"

"And you're been doing the Freddy Krueger with the neighbors."

"YOU ROTTEN PIECE OF MOLD"

"YOU WEEDY LITTLE STRAW MAN"

"You would like some tea, Dr. Isley?" Crane sniffed and collected himself. There wasn't any point in having a shouting match with the green strumpet. There was work to be done and so very little time for now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.

The next few weeks were a blur of activity for Harley Quinn. There was that business of Mr J's that needed attending to (much as she hated leaving Prof. Crane on his own) there was nothing to be done, Mr J needed her and she needed to be needed by Mr J. So it was to her great surprise that she found Crane and Pamela doing nothing more than sitting down to tea (Prof. Crane had pop in early to pick up Rosie for the Rumba class) when Bongo and the Boys finally dropped her off (3 weeks late she may add) on their way to the Iceberg Lounge (Giggles was hoping to finally get up enough nerve to ask Edward "Riddler" Nigma's henchwench Quiz out. He liked women who walked around in leathers and wasn't afraid to use a little force.

Harley Quinn was so happy to be finally back that she gave them a group hug (Mandy scout style) causing the hawthorns to whip and snap viciously. The latest gossip out of Arkham (courtesy of Jervis "Mad Hatter" Tetch) was that Dr Bart (that strange and lonely man) was dating the hat check girl from the Iceberg Lounge (the woman whom Tetch was secretly madly in love with but whom he could never bring himself to talk to) after she had been ditched by Waylon "Killer Croc" Jones. It was all so rebound. Anyway she could have easily gotten Killer Croc to do what she wanted for a couple of Boston chickens, that after all was how Mary "Baby Doll" Dahl managed to rope down and hogtie her man. On a happier note, Tetch reports that Scar face is recovering well after a run in with Harvey "Two Face" Dent the details of which he did not say out of respect for Scar face who won't like it if he knew that Tetch was blacken in his name over a two bit fight.

When Rosie was ready in her Rumba outfit, Crane gallantly swept his dance partner out the door, leaving Harley Quinn very very alone with Pamela Isley and a high pressure sodium lamp.

Harley was gently nibbling Pamela's nose, their limbs entwined together, the sweat slowly cooling off their bare bodies making the air between them damp and heavy with the smell of sex when Pamela's hawthorn suddenly started snapping and whipping the air furiously - Harley could feel Pamela's lithe body tense - her strong legs enveloping Harley - pulling her in tighter in a protective bear hug - as her hawthorns sought out the alien presence in the loft.

"So this is what you girls do for fun" a voice playfully rang out from the window. It was Selina "Catwoma" Kyle and it was a business call. Selina wanted information on what Crane was doing. Why was he doing the Rumba with Rosie the rosebush.

"And YOU couldn't just pick up the PHONE and CALL?" Pamela asked incredulously her beautiful face an unreadable mask. Harley Quinn at this point was trying unsuccessfully to wiggle out of Pamela's bear hug (abs of steel) so that she could cover her bare tush from Selina's obviously interested appraisal. The low down was that Crane was up to something, dark and dangerous and the Bat was tearing up Gotham trying to find out

"And HE couldn't pick up the PHONE and CALL? Crane has Rumba class Mondays. Its part of his rehabilitation program." Pamela hissed.

"You know how it is with him. By the way she DOES have a nice tush." Selina smirked and disappeared back from where she came from (much like the Cheshire Cat) before Pamela's vines could snap her neck.

The mayhem continues in Chapter 2...............................


	2. Chapter 2

Harley Quinn woke up the morning after that unfortunate incident with Selina "Catwoman" Kyle feeling like she had just been hit by a monster 2-ton ice cream truck. She had this terrible high pitch wailing sound vibrating in her brain, which Harley soon realized wasn't coming from her sore head. It was streaming out from the kitchen. Talk about stereo phonic sound. Fearing the worse (if Selina "Catwoman" Kyle knew where them were, who was to say that Bats won't make a housecall himself), Harley grabbed a bathrobe and ran down the hall.

She had just kicked in kitchen door, happy trigger finger on her dum dum gun when Pamela's hawthorns nearly took her head off. "HARLEY!!!!!!" screamed Pamela as she sought to contain the killer plant. It was bad enough that Selina "Catwoman" Kyle managed to get through her personal security system last night but losing Harley Quinn to her hawthorns was unthinkable. Unlike her babies, she couldn't grow another head for Harley ...........or maybe she could if she had to - that is if she really wanted to and she had the right equipment - that is. Pamela didn't think in negatives.

For the umpteen time in as many weeks, Harley Quinn saw herself flat on her back on the floor of Pamela's loft and not in a good way. "Baby, you okay?" cooed Pamela as her concerned face came into Harley's view along with that of Prof. Crane. "Come, let's get you up and see if you're hurt." suggested Crane. Harley had always thought that he was a brilliant man.

Fortunately for Harley Quinn, the hawthorns had missed scalping her by half an inch. So other than a bruised knee and a wounded ego, she was good as gold. Parking herself on the kitchen counter - Rosie was getting her usual Sugar Shocks ready - Harley watched as Pamela - with help from Prof. Crane - ran through an impressive presentation (with full audio visuals hence that terrible high pitch wailing sound) on Simple Tips for Plants; Improving Household Security - namely kill anything that moves and then kill it again. Pamela had apparently filled in Prof. Crane about last night's visit by Selina "Catwoman" Kyle.

Harley's attention for the rest of the day was divided between the Acromegliacs marathon in support of the Wayne Foundation for Childhood Literacy on the goggle-box - It's time for Acromegliacs and we're ugly to the max - and watching Pamela and Crane dirty dance across the floor - we kinda look like cows with big lumps on our brows we're Acromegliacs - and watching Pamela and Crane passionately discuss the Bhagavad Gita and its expounded philosophy of detachment in action - I'm Yucko, I'm Rondo, I'm Splat, we're Acromegliacs - and watching Pamela and Crane............................Who would have thought that the two of them would get on so well together. Gee. Harley Quinn was at this point beginning to feel that she had missed out on something important the last few weeks she was away. Prof. Crane had always been her friend first and Pamela - well - Pamela was special. It was kinda good that Crane and Pamela were obviously enjoying each other's company but Harley Quinn felt left out big time. It was like she couldn't communicate with the both of them no more. She was Martian and they were speaking Cantonese. She had become the third wheel of a third wheel twice removed.

It was the afternoon of the next day that Pamela Isley very generously offered to drive Crane and Harley Quinn up to Arkham (Prof. Crane was due for his progress review with Dr Leland) An offer that Prof. Crane enthusiastically and very quickly accepted to Harley's chagrin. She was hoping to have an opportunity to speak to Crane alone about Pamela - her Pamela. The ride up to Arkham was a continuation of yesterday's Pamela and Crane love out - they played word games (Pamela won the first round and Crane won the second so they decided it was a draw) - they sang songs from The Pirates of Penzance (Crane had a lovely voice) - they even stopped for ice cream - by the time Arkham was in sight Harley Quinn wanted to cry.

Dr Leland was of course delighted with Prof. Crane's outstanding progress and Harley was given heap upon heap of praise for her unfailing support by both doctor and her patient - praise which Harley thought was personally undeserved given that she had really done nothing special for Prof. Crane other than what most anyone would have done - the person which was really responsible for Prof. Crane's transformation was Pamela Isley. Her Pamela? or ..........the thought was too troubling for Harley to even conceptualize. A little while later when Prof. Crane and Dr Leland were preoccupied with mutually congratulating each other, Harley quietly excused herself and slipped out of Dr Leland's office to look for Pamela. Earlier when they had arrived at Arkham, Pamela had expressed a wish to walk undisturbed in the surrounding wastelands. A dangerous preposition for anyone other than Pamela Isley given the traitorous nature of the terrain.

Wetland conservation was one of Pamela's pet project amongst her other pet projects (the others being urban redevelopment, corporate sabotage and supporting extremist environmental causes). There was talk that Gotham Water (a subsidiary of Wayne Environmental Industries) which tapped the Arkham aquifer for Gotham's drinking water was considering an offer from an interested developer (Wayne Spa and Resorts) to convert the entire area into recreational lakes. Rainbow trout and paddle boats. The proposal had been tabled for study a few years back and the findings were horrific. Gotham stood to lose pristine wetlands of immense bio diversity. Still the hawks in City Hall weren't going to let the golden opportunity to bring investment and jobs back to Gotham go so easily, so the proposal slowly took a life of its own and one by one the detractors found themselves shot down and out in the cold. Money ruled big in Gotham.

Harley found Pamela standing by herself contemplating the shallow pools of blackish water. She was beautiful as she always was - the sunlight burning a halo in her wild cornstalk hair, her skin cool and pale (an inhuman study in alabaster) - her eyes terrible in their feral beauty. Where the wild things were there was no Pamela Isley only Poison Ivy. Harley loved Pamela when she was wild and untamed. A creature of the Green. She was most beautiful then and at her most capricious.

Harley Quinn had often heard Pamela Isley speak of the Green before, those early mornings when they were enclosed in each other's arms in a post coitus high. Pamela had told her a tale of a great plan to re-make the world and of Parliament of Trees eternally burning because of a deep betrayal by someone whom she once called a friend. Her eyes were wild then and full of grief for an eden never born - just as they were now.

Picking up the coat where it lay discarded haphazardly on the ground, Harley walked towards the back of the standing figure that was Poison Ivy. Gently but firmly she placed the coat back on Ivy's shoulders taking the opportunity to wrap her arms around the other woman's waist. Harley felt Ivy's body suddenly stiffen as her arms slowly tighten bringing their bodies into familiar contact. Nuzzling the shorter woman's neck with kisses, Harley's desire quietly called to Pamela's need across the Green, as their bodies soften and melted into each others.

Later that day, after Prof. Crane had gone for his dance class with a gorgeously dressed Sunflower, Harley Quinn found herself sharing some quality time with Pamela Isley, the afternoon's spat of jealousy all but forgotten. She was licking the sweat from the hallow of Pamela's neck, causing her companion to moan rapturously, their limbs entwined together, the sweat slowly cooling off their bare bodies making .................when Pamela's hawthorn suddenly went berserk - Harley could feel Pamela's lithe body go tense - her strong legs enveloping Harley - pulling her in tighter in a protective bear hug - as her snapping hawthorns sought out the unwelcome presence in the loft - it was all so deja vu.

"Ugh....That's way too much information" It was Batgirl and it was a business call. Batgirl wanted information on what Crane was doing. Why was he doing the Tennessee Waltz with Sunflower the sunflower. It was definitely so deja vu.

"And YOU couldn't just pick up the PHONE and CALL!!!!!!!! What is WRONG with you PEOPLE!!!!!!!" Pamela shouted her nerves slightly shot at the second interruption of her love life in as many days. Given that almost everyone and their grandmothers carried mobiles these days, you would think that at least one of the following had a mobile (a) Selina "Catwoman" Kyle (b) Batgirl (c) Batman (d) Robin (?). Harley Quinn was at this point trying her hardest to wiggle out of Pamela's bear hug (abs of steel, abs of steel). She definitely did not want to give Batgirl the chance to appraise her bare tush. After the last encounter with Selina "Catwoman" Kyle, Harley Quinn certainly did not want a reputation for being caught naked in situations with her bare tush exposed to all and sundry. Imagine what Mr J would think. Harley Quinn shuddered at the thought.

The word from Batgirl was Crane was up to something doubly dark and dangerous and Batman was tearing up Gotham trying to find out.

"And HE couldn't pick up the PHONE and CALL!!!!!! HELLO I'm in the PHONEBOOK. It's I-S-L-E-Y PAMELA!!!! Crane has dance class on Mondays AND Wednesdays. Check with LELAND" Pamela shrieked, sending her vines snapping in Batgirl's direction.

"You know how it is with him and phones. By the way, Harley nice tush." and Batgirl disappeared with a giggle into the dark before Pamela's vines could snap her neck

The mayhem continues in Chapter 3...............................


	3. Chapter 3

Harley Quinn was packing her gear. She needed to split fast. Bongo would be waiting for her round the corner in 5. Gotham was at war. She hated to run out on Pamela right now like this but in the last hour all of Gotham had gone to the dogs. It was a night that would go down in underground lore as the Night of the Bat, the night Batgirl caught all of Gotham's super fiends with their pants down - literally. In the hours after her unexpected house call on Pamela "Poison Ivy" Isley, Bratzgirl had surprised Mr J in the bath while he was talking dirty to his rubber ducky, caught Waylon "Killer Croc" Jones in his baby blue flannel pajamas watching an old episode of The Love Boat and bawling his eyes out and jumped Oswald "The Penguin" Cobblepot walking around his kitchen in his jocks drinking milk out of the fridge from the carton. She had said the same thing to all of them "I'm only going to ask you once. Where is Jonathan Crane? Where is Scarecrow?" (Which in hindsight was a really stupid question to ask since Crane was at that very moment doing the Tennessee waltz with Sunflower the sunflower at his Wednesday night dance class and all Batgirl really had to do was call and check the address with Dr Leland) and then all hell broke loose.

Mr J was on the warpath, Killer Croc was on the warpath, The Penguin was on the warpath, and Pamela "Poison Ivy" Isley and Harvey "Two-Face" Dent were on the war path. Everyone who was anyone was on the warpath, and all over Gotham their foot soldiers were running out of their cuddy holes and scrambling for cover. All that is except Edward "The Riddler" Nigma. Eddie apparently wasn't on Batgirl's most wanted list. He would of course lie about it for years to come whenever that night came up in conversation at the Iceberg Lounge, claiming that Batgirl was all over him while he was in the john with his pants down at his knees, but who was he really kidding. Everybody knew he was at home playing scrabble that night with the hired help (Quiz and Query) and Batgirl hadn't bother to touch a hair on his head. Eddie wasn't exactly Mr Popular with the freaks, except maybe Selina "Catwoman" Kyle but then Selina really didn't count. She was playing touchy with the Bat.

2 more minutes and she really needed to go. All around Harley, everything was moving, moving, moving, faster, faster, and faster. Flowers in dark shades and Armani suits were going through their paces; unpacking submachine guns, securing windows with rubber tape, moving contraband to secret locations, shedding incriminating papers, shaking down the florists down the street. It was all so Michael Mann Miami Vice.

Harley Quinn could hear Pamela Isley in the next room ranting down the phone at Harvey "Two-Face" Dent. "She caught you doing what???? Harvey don't tell me you were wearing my old silk teddy!!! NOOOOO!!!! I don't want it back YOU SICK PERV." Batgirl had walked in on Harvey "Two Face" Dent while he was decked out in an old pair of Pamela's silk intimates complete with fishnet stockings and 3 inch stiletto heels in green and it wasn't even St Patrick's Day yet. Harvey "Two-Face" Dent and Pamela Isley used to date.

Harvey "Two-Face" Dent made his way in Gotham by being legal counsel to the rackets. He was the only guy who could prosecute you on some dumb dumb charge and then turn around and defend you from the same charges and win either way. He would of course bill you twice, that was his style.

Harley Quinn could never quite figure out Pamela's relationship with Harvey Dent. She knew they were pretty close once but that things hadn't worked out (Harvey could never make up his mind, and Pamela always had way tooooo many men friends hanging on her every word). They had stayed friends despite a few misunderstandings (Harvey tried to run Pamela over with a truck once and Pamela dunked him in acid for it) and over the years they had somehow bounded with each other like crazy glue. You could say in a way they were the Will and Grace of Gotham.

Pamela would pick out Harvey's suits. She knew which colors and cuts suited him, even Mr J admired how sharp Harvey looked decked out in his 3 piece. Pamela had taste and Harley.....well. Harvey in turn always knew what little thing to get Pamela to smile. He would suddenly show up at the door with rare orchids bred on bull's blood or tickets to the gardening show that Pamela really wanted to see, call her "Petal" in that smooth manly way of his and reduce her to a giggling mess. Harley Quinn really hated him so much when that happened especially if Pamela was in the middle of trying to decapitate her with flying table wear. Dent really knew how to make a clown look bad.

Harvey "Two-Face" Dent also had the sole distinction of being the only still living person in Gotham able to face off with a ranting insanely angry Pamela Isley and get her to calm down, even the Bat couldn't do that and he could do the Vulcan nerve pinch. He had that way with her that Harley Quinn didn't. Harley on the other hand tried as far as possible to run for shelter whenever Pamela started and Pamela was a self starter.

Pamela had her back to the door when Harley entered. Harley could see the hawthorns silent in the background. It had morphed itself into a large quadruped with 3 large gapping maws - it reminded Harley of something she had seen once in a John Carpenter horror movie. The one Mr J laughed his way through. Mr J was a sucker for horror movies. He loved them as much as the romantic comedies and chick flicks he was always watching. Harley Quinn could safely say that Mr J didn't miss a single episode of Sex in the City even when he was at Arkham.

"Huh, Red.........I got to get going. Its Mr J...." Harley croaked her throat suddenly dry. Pamela was now speaking in hush tones to Harvey "Two-Face" Dent on the phone. She turned round to look at Harley, distractedly waved her away and turned back. Harley Quinn's presence was no longer required in the new world order.

Picking up her kit, Harley headed for the exit. She had enough of Pamela Isley. She needed to get out. Harley could never get use to how Pamela was always blowing hot and cold at her. An hour ago, Pamela was all over her naked and sweaty and now she was dismissed with a wave of a hand. No goodbye Harley. No take care of yourself Harley, No keep warm and stay out of the rain Harley. Not a kiss or a hug or a handshake or any indication that Harley Quinn mattered. Blinking back the tears, Harley put on a big smile for Mr J and ran down the block. Bongo would be waiting round the corner for her in the Hummer. It was SHOWTIME and what would Mr J say if she showed up all sad and unhappy. Mr J would get the wrong idea that Harley Quinn didn't like working for him and that would be a bad thing. A very very bad thing. Harley would do anything for Mr J.

Harley could hear Mr J talking softly to himself in the office. He sometimes did that at the end of a bad day after Batman had knocked the crap out of him. It wasn't a good sign. Harley knew that later Mr J would take that small broken photo frame out from the bottom drawer and sing nursery rhythms to himself. It freaked her out when ever he did that. It freaked them all out. Not that they weren't all freaked out already. Bongo was making some calls in the corner; Harley had never seen him so worried. Most of the other clowns were still changing into their gear, or huddled together in small nervous groups. The atmosphere was so thick with the smell of fear that you could taste it bitter-like at the back of your throat. Word on the street was that someone had ratted; there was no way Batgirl could have gotten so much dirt on Mr J, Killer Croc, Penguin, Poison Ivy or Two-Face if she hadn't had her claws in some weasel(s) from the rackets. And the other word was that it was open season on weasels.

The next couple of hours to dawn were pure hell. Batgirl had a knack for getting under Mr J's skin. It was like Mr J had fleas, he was jumping all over the place and over anyone who (he thought) was out of line (He ran Giggles over on purpose with the pogo stick when he wasn't hauling the stuff out fast enough). He wanted everything moved and once everything was moved, he wanted everything back where it used to be. It didn't help that Bongo and the Boys were on tender hocks all the time (Batgirl's on the roof, Batgirl's at the window, quick someone shoot up the shimmy). It was a wonder no one got shot between the eyes, or hit with a baseball bat in the nuts or mangled in the washing machine. What was worse for Harley was that she didn't know what was happening with Pamela. Was she okay? Was she hurt? Nobody knew what was happening and if they did, they weren't talking, even Selina "Catwoman" Kyle had disappeared. Talking to someone that night was the surest way to get killed in Gotham period.

Harley knew that Harvey "Two-Face" Dent would look out for Pamela. He always did. He was the nicest guy when you got to know him. He was the only big shot who would bother to walk over to the bar at the Iceberg Lounge and talk to the small people (He could remember all their names and who they worked for). He always bought a round or two for the working men and women of Gotham. Sometimes he would even let Harley go up and sit with Pamela at his booth for a while. Everyone adored him even Pamela. Her Pamela. It was enough to make a clown want to chug anti freeze. Like all those times Pamela showed up at the Iceberg Lounge dressed to the nines draped on Harvey's arm while Harley was off doing car park duty (Mr J didn't like people parking too close to his baby) or those times Pamela and Harvey would be laughing and having a merry-o-time playing bridge with Mr J and Oswald "The Penguin" Cobblepot (Cobblepot was a snob but he played a mean hand of bridge and besides no one else would partner Mr J. Mr J cheated at bridge) while Harley was off doing car park duty (Mr J didn't like people standing too close to his baby) or even the times Pamela was at home having dinner with Harvey while Harley was off doing car park duty (Mr J didn't like people walking too close to his baby). Mr J sure loved that car.

Home. Harley had skipped out on Pamela and left her alone at home talking down the line to Harvey Dent. _Toto, I Don't Think We're in Kansas Anymore..._

It was almost 5 in the morning, when she managed to slip away. Bongo had sent some of the Boys out for krispy kremes and Mr J wanted a gallon of cherry flavored Dr Pepper with his morning papers. Prof. Crane had cleared out from his apartment some time ago. Harley checked. Everything was untouched like he had just walked down to the Wiki-Shop for smokes and a corn dog, but the coffee in his mug was stone cold and a day too stale. Harley lingered a while and then crossed the street.

The loft was dark and hollow when Harley Quinn quietly let herself in. Pamela's personal journals were gone, those blue notebooks that she spent days and nights scribbling over. Something had eaten and regurgitated the remains of the computers and the other equipment Pamela kept in her secret lab on the floor of one of the rooms. The Bio Chemical Hazard people would have a field day cleaning up the mess. There was no Rosie in the kitchen, no large scary hawthorn monster nesting on the couch, not a shadow of a flower or a blade of grass. All gone. She was alone. Harley pulled off her hat and headed to the bathroom to wash up. She hated it when she cried.

The mayhem continues in Chapter 4 ...............................


	4. Chapter 4

Pamela Isley was irritated. She hated Robinson Park. Robinson Park was nothing but a plant ghetto. 10 blocks surrounded on all sides by luxury high-rise buildings from which rich imperialistic human pigs could gawk down their noses at the menagerie into which they had "resettled" the surviving native flora of Gotham. It was a little more than a Potemkin village built at vast expense: attractive at first, but deceptive and ultimately lethal, with high death rates from malnutrition and contagious diseases, and it ultimately served as a way-station to the incinerators and the landfill (in that order).

Pamela thought of almost everything in terms of total warfare (winning was everything was it not? and it didn't matter how you did it). It was not an accident of chance that her favorite book was II Principe (The Prince); the political treatise by Florentine public servant and political theorist Niccolò Machiavelli (She found it hilariously funny, it was like Monty Python meets Dr Doom).

Despite her personal feelings about the place, Pamela understood that Robinson Park afforded her the unique ability to move as swift as a wind, stay as silent as forest, attack as fierce as fire and undefeatable defense like a mountain. It was important in uncertain times like these to be able to defend existing positions until you can advance them and from her business continuity site in the wine cellar of the restaurant next to the picturesque lake in the very heart of Robinson Park, Pamela Isley could wait until the cows came home or at the very least enjoy a glass or two of some very good Bollinger in the meanwhile (the restaurant had a very well stocked cellar, and it was in Pamela's own personal interest to keep it that way).

Pamela was quite pleased that she had let Harvey "Two Face" Dent talk her (some time back) into taking over the establishment from Oswald "Penguin" Cobblepot. F&B wasn't exactly Pamela Isley's preferred line of interest (that being urban redevelopment, corporate sabotage and supporting extremist environmental causes). But Cobblepot was in a hurry to sell (He needed to raise liquidity fast; word was that he had been burnt in some insane ponzi scheme). And the price was right (Cobblepot was willing to throw in lock, stock and barrel and it really was a prime location). So in the end Harvey Dent had walked away from the bargaining table with his usual 5% all round stuffed in his breast pocket and Pamela Isley was left holding the lease to the most romantic restaurant in Gotham.

In hindsight, that little purchase had turned into gold for Pamela Isley. While it was undeniable that the restaurant was operating at a loss (as with most chi chi fine dinning establishments in Gotham), it afforded Pamela an excellent opportunity to engage in a little corporate espionage on the side. The human data coming out of the place was incredible. On any given day, the ferns in the bar would be mapping out the continuously changing sleeping arrangements of the who's who of Gotham (all the better to blackmail with); while the orchids in the dinning area would be compiling reports on the ever bitter infighting and inbreeding cesspool of the Gotham political landscape (all the better to special interest lobby with), and the palms out in the car park would be monitoring carbon emissions to air (all the better to trade in carbon offsets with). Pamela Isley believed that a little insider trading went along very well with some very good Bollinger.

In the last 24 hours after she had ordered the evacuation of her last lair, the plants had secured the restaurant premises, successfully setup her lab equipment and gotten the phone, fax, internet connections up and running (the satellite dish was still down due to a damaged receiver unit, but they had somehow managed to dig up a cable connection for her so she could watch the news. The plants were so sweet, if only people could be 1/1000 as nice). Now that she was successfully transplanted in her new location and thriving, all Pamela Isley needed (other than another drink) was to collect what was hers and she knew just the right person to call.

"War is Hell" thought Harley Quinn grimly as she adjusted the telescopic sight of her sniper rifle, "And we are all corn chowder". From her vantage point on the roof, Harley had a clear view of the surrounding alleys. In half an hour, Harvey "Two Face" Dent's unmarked Mercedes would be in her sights. She could wait. It was going into night 4 of the Mexican standoff between Clan Bat and the Crime Lords of Gotham and Harley Quinn hadn't slept in over 72 hours, but who was counting sheep. She couldn't sleep anyway. Harley Quinn was a zombie animated by the black arts of too much sugar, caffeine, happy pills and an undead desire to get back what was hers. Pamela Isley.

Harvey Dent had taken her Pamela away. He had put Harley's heart in an olive press and squeezed all the light, joy and happiness out of it, leaving nothing but a swirling black hole of emptiness. For once in her life, Harley Quinn could appreciate Mr J's outlook on life. Laugh because life is nothing but a sweet nihilistic joke and while you are at it, you might as well take half the city with you in a big bang for the company.

Harvey Dent had used that gilded forked tongue of his on her Pamela when her Pamela was alone and vulnerable and talked her Pamela into letting him take care of her. Only that Two Face bastard was going to take care of her Pamela by selling her Pamela out to that Son-Of-a-Bat. Harley Quinn should have seen that coming a quarter horse mile and a half away only she didn't and now she needed to rectify it.

The calls from Harvey Dent's office had started coming in quick and dirty within 48 hours on the heels of that trouble with Batgirl. His people were calling Oswald "Penguin" Cobblepot's people, Waylon "Killer Croc" Jones' people and Mr J's people (namely Bongo, Harley Quinn wasn't permitted to answer the phone after that incident with the Bora Bora time share tele-marketer). Harvey's people were saying (not it was their business in any way, but out of a sense of general neighborliness); how it was a shame that Jonathan "Scarecrow" Crane had stepped on the toes of the Batman and won't it be great if everything could go back to the way it was before the Bat had his hissy fit.

Their principle (namely Harvey "Two Face" Dent) was proposing to gather all interested aggrieved parties (namely Oswald "Penguin" Cobblepot, Waylon "Killer Croc" Jones and Jack "Joker" Napier) to discuss a settlement to be negotiated by the first above mentioned principle (namely Harvey "Two Face" Dent) with the unnamed third party (namely Batman). In plain, Harvey "Two Face" Dent had the dirty on Crane and he wanted to know if it was worth anything to anyone. The only problem with this from the way Harley Quinn saw it was that Harvey Dent knew kittens. The only person who knew anything about what Crane was or was not up to was Pamela. Her Pamela. Hers. Hers. Hers.

Harley Quinn was crazy but she wasn't stupid. Harley knew that Crane (that brilliant man) needed someone with the correct expertise to distill his fear toxic (after all it was the same thing with Mr J and his hahaha gas). And in Gotham, that someone was Pamela Isley. Pamela had a knack for the exotic (And with her system of total quality management she could deliver faster and cheaper than any other hack in Gotham). And if Crane was going to do a mass hysteria exercise, Pamela would know the what, the where and the how. And Harvey Dent was going to make his 5% all round by selling her Pamela to the Bat to keep the order in Gotham.

Or that was what he thought; only thing was Harley Quinn thought different. Harley's intention (in the correct order) was to take out Harvey Dent's (1) tires; (2) hired muscle; (3) kneecap before beating what she wanted to know out of him with a tire iron. And Harley Quinn was going to enjoy every minute of it.

It was therefore fortunate for Harvey Dent that Harley Quinn got a well timed karate chop to the back of the neck while she was preoccupied with her happy thoughts. As she hit the deck out cold Harley swore that she could see the Milky Way in the blackness of space. It was just as well that she was light outs and floating with tinkle-bell over lala land; while Harley wasn't stupid, she wasn't that bright a light bulb in the lighting department either.

Pamela Isley was irritated. Selina "Catwoman" Kyle was late. You would think that if you had lunch with someone on the first and last Wednesday of every month at the same place, they would at least try to be on time. Pamela Isley was pouring herself a third (or fourth) class of Bollinger, when Selina Kyle swept into the room. She had been caught in the lunch time traffic around Robinson Park and then she couldn't find space to park that tank of hers. Selina Kyle of course had to drive a Jag.

Pamela Isley and Selina Kyle won't exactly friends, they had known each other for a number of years and their radically different personalities and outlooks on life clashed more often than not. But they were in a real sense allies. It was difficult enough being a woman in Gotham with all the old boys gunning for you without making the only other woman out here your enemy. Selina had started the ball rolling one fine day with an invitation to the new girl on the block for lunch on the first Wednesday of the month and Pamela had returned it with an invitation for the last Wednesday and they had strangely enough enjoyed each other's company enough to continue it ever since (they had bonded on enough Bollinger to drown a horse, and there was no better excuse to do it again).

"My contact at the animal shelter called, your people made them an offer they couldn't refuse. Use of the premises ex gratis for as long as they want. That's very generous of you Pamela." purred Selina as she accepted a glass of bubbly from Pamela Isley.

"I was feeling generous...........did you have any problems collecting? Pamela smiled as she called for another bottle.

Pamela was aware that one of Selina's pet interest was animal welfare (especially of the four legged feline kind) and one of the benefits of being a major player in the urban real estate market was that she was in a position to rub Selina Kyle the right way. Pamela Isley had always found Selina Kyle attractive in a catty sort of way. Pamela supposed that she always had a thing for Selina, only it was unfortunate that the woman was a raving adrenaline junkie with a kleptomania condition. They would have made a cute couple.

"Not at all. She's in the boot of the Jag. I just had the interior cleaned. Found her on a roof covered in krispy kreme with a sniper gun. She's sedated of course."

Selina was aware that one of Pamela's pet interest was self welfare (especially if it involved a crazy blonde in pigtails) and one of the benefits of being a major player in the repossession market was that she was in a position to seed Pamela Isley the right way. Selina "Catwoman" Kyle had always found Pamela Isley attractive in a leafy sort of way. Selina supposed that she always had a thing for Pamela, only it was unfortunate that the woman was a raving socially alienated misanthrope. They would have made a cute couple.

Selina Kyle could never see what Pamela found so attractive in Harley Quinn (despite the perfect tush and all). Pamela Isley could after all quite conceivable have any man or woman she wanted in Gotham. The only straight answer she ever got out of Pamela was "She makes me laugh" and that was after enough Bollinger to drown 2 horses and a carriage. Selina had been the first person to find out (from the horse's mouth) about Pamela and Harley and she remembered almost choking on her Bollinger then. But she had held her tongue and kept the peace. Truth be told, Pamela probably never saw eye to eye with her on-off thing with Mr-Tall-Dark-and-Bat Eared but Pamela had never tried to fix her up with Edward "The Riddler" Nigma for a double date with her and Harvey "Two Face" Dent unlike some other people.

"Do I want to know why she was on a roof covered in krispy kreme with a sniper gun?"

Pamela really didn't want to know, as with most instances with Harley Quinn - ignorance was bliss, knowledge meant having to deal with angry irritate people waving court papers at you. This was why she had never made a fuss when Harley decided to continue her professional career with the Joker. Pamela's insurance would never have covered Harley's collateral damage bills. Mr J on the other hand didn't believe in insurance.

"She was going to shoot Harvey Dent." intoned Selina naughtily.

Selina knew that Pamela really didn't want to know, as with most instances with Harley Quinn. Pamela Isley was a misanthrope, she couldn't deal with angry irritate people waving court papers at her, which was why Harvey "Two Face" Dent was her best friend and she was his best client.

"But Why? Harvey adores her." exhaled Pamela in mock shock making a mental note to get Harvey a nice tie with a matching bullet proof vest for his next birthday (if he lasted that long that is, Harley Quinn was getting very good with that sniper gun).

"You know as well as I do Dent gets off big time making her look bad in front of you." Selina smirked.

"See Harvey adores her." deadpanned Pamela as she drained her glass to the sound of Selina's laughter and called for yet another bottle.

Now that they had finished the foreplay, Selina "Catwoman" Kyle and Pamela "Poison Ivy" Isley got down to business; the business of selling out Jonathan "Scarecrow" Crane to Batman and drinking the entire case of Bollinger.

The mayhem continues in Chapter 5 ...............................


	5. Chapter 5

This was turning out better than Selina "Catwoman" Kyle expected. This was even better than that time Pam Isley ended up playing tonsil hockey with Commissioner Gordon in the back of that police cruiser. Now that was one for the cameras.

Selina had been expecting something very interesting and very profitable when Pam had called a few days back with a mutually beneficial proposal; something that went along the lines of I have the brains, you have the brawn, let's make lots of money. Getting Pam back her Harley Quinn was the icing on the deal, but Selina Kyle thought it was still sweet of Pam to take care of the animal shelter like that.

There's a no man's land between love and hate - between passion and obsession - where it's easy to lose all sense of reality - and in doing so, lose yourself. Somewhere in that emotional minefield Pamela Isley wandered smack right centre into Harleen Quinzell. Maybe that was what happens when a lonely misanthrope with a messiah complex meets a caring psychopath with a father figure fixation, people change.

Selina Kyle hated to admit it but Harley Quinn was probably one of the better things to have come into Pam's life. When Selina Kyle first met Pamela "Poison Ivy" Isley way back when Pam was still wearing those stupid yellow nylons, Pam was nothing but a fruit basket (literally). Sure she was a very beautiful girl and talented with plants but all she wanted to do was hold a banquet hall full of people hostage (It was some sort of Wayne Foundation blacktie benefit to Save Our Rainforest) because their caterer used plastic shrimp forks (and which caterer didn't) all the while ranting about the evils of the banana trade. The Bat kicked her butt into Arkham faster than you could say party pooper.

Then fate had to intervene, Harley Quinn got kicked out by the Joker and she ran (literally) into Pam at the Gotham museum. Pam was there trying to liberate some plant samples and being the fruit basket she was, she forgot to disable the alarm. Then suddenly before anyone knew what hit them, Harley Quinn and Pamela Isley were front page news; Gotham's Queens of Crime.

It was only after they both got out of Arkham that Pam started getting her act together; and even Selina had to admit Pam did well. Really really well.

Pam started out as an independent contractor for exotics; she could make a mean Beijing Cocktail and a pretty decent Dust of Death, but business was slow (the old boys in Gotham didn't think a woman could cut anything other than an apple pie). Pam was running a small 2-bit operation out of her small greenhouse and barely getting by on rent money when the Joker walked in through her door one fine day. That clown gave Pam her big break. She gave him something to smile about; Smilex.

After that, the orders kept rolling in; fear gas for Jonathan "Scarecrow" Crane; odds and ends on sub-contract to Oswald "Penguin" Cobblepot; Chemical X for some professor out in Townsville.

Next Pam (strangely) ventured out into conserving and beautifying old low rise inner city neighborhoods, converting them into chic housing with open green spaces and roof gardens. She managed to thwart Wayne Development's scorch earth policy for ripping out entire city blocks for yet another sun blocking mega luxury commercial residential complex (like that monster skyscraper Trimbel Gotham Towers).

Then Pam branched out into the world of corporate sabotage. She made a name for having the balls to launch a hostile takeover of Wayne Enterprises (and holding their entire board hostage for Aprils Fools) while working freelance (that Tony Stark had an odd sense of humor).

By the time Pam decided to take on the hawks in City Hall with her special interest lobby, the good old boys in Gotham didn't call her Pamela "Fruit Basket" Isley anymore but Ms Isley. Money ruled big in Gotham, along with her sisters - power and influence.

Harley Quinn on the other hand had simply gone back to work for the Joker after her stint in Arkham. She liked working for her Mr. J.

The plan seemed simple enough to Selina Kyle, but after all the Bollinger she drunk in the last hour or so on an empty stomach - breaking into the Pentagon in nothing but her underwear and a party hat would have seemed just as simple.

From what she understood so far - Pamela "Poison Ivy" Isley had an outstanding contract with Jonathan "Scarecrow" Crane for the production and delivery of a substantial amount of chemical deliriants. Crane as usual was going to pour the lot of it down the drain (again) into the Arkham aquifer - the one from which Gotham Water extracted the city's water supplies - hereby poisoning the population of people in Gotham who still didn't drink bottled water. All in the hopes of causing some mass hysteria, rioting, general mayhem and lawlessness (not that mass hysteria, rioting, general mayhem and lawlessness were NOT already a daily feature of life in the big city, and anyone who thought that poisoning people too cheap to pay for bottled water was going to make a difference was seriously deluded).

Selina Kyle only drank bottled water. Like any other person who lived in Gotham long enough can tell you (after the first few times Crane tried this stunt with the Arkham aquifer) bottled water was a whole lot cheaper than having your stomach pumped out. Pam Isley on the other hand could get on pretty well drinking toxic sludge; she had the body for it.

Unfortunately poisoning Gotham's water was bad publicity and the Bat didn't like that (it made him look small when he had to go for his Justice League meetings). And when the Bat got unhappy, the entire Clan Bat got unhappy. And when the entire Clan Bat got unhappy, it was only a matter of time before they started throwing their weight around and disturbing the Gotham peace (or pax Gotham as Harvey "Two Face" Dent liked to put it). And when those Bats shut down the city, every working man and woman in Gotham hurt, which wasn't right even to Selina "Catwoman" Kyle (and she was playing touchy with the Bat).

The thing was Pam had let Harvey Dent talk her (some time back) into adding a small penalty clause (in fine print) in her standard supplier contracts; with the result that if any customer didn't pay for the goods within the credit period (15 days from the date on the invoice), the vendor (namely Pamela "Poison Ivy" Isley) or her designate (namely Harvey "Two Face" Dent) had the right to rat the customer out to the Bat. Harvey Dent had thought it up as an innovative way to reduce business cost arising from uncollectible debts, seeing how it was that monopoly money was considered by some to be legal tender.

When that bad business with Batgirl broke, Dent came up with an idea to make himself some money on the side (he was really very good at those). Harvey "Two Face" Dent would broker a deal with all the aggrieved parties (at his usual 5% fee) to rat out Jonathan "Scarecrow" Crane to the Bat, however that was provided that Crane failed to pay by the 15 day deadline thereby triggering the penalty clause in the contract. The "problem" as he saw it was that Jonathan Crane was a stickler for prompt payment of his bills. Despite his knack for getting the Bat's underwear in a twist, Crane was Pam's best paying customer.

So the only way to restore order to Gotham was for someone with Selina "Catwoman" Kyle's talents to do her part for the working men and women of Gotham. Kyle was to clean out Jonathan "Scarecrow" Crane using Crane's own payment information thoughtfully supplied by Pamela Isley.

The deal was that Kyle would get to keep her (ill) gotten gains, Dent would earn his usual 5% all round, and Pamela? Well Pam Isley would have given her green allies in City Hall a cause celebre - nothing like a big old photo of the Bat hauling the Scarecrow out of Gotham's drinking water on the front page of every rag from here to Metropolis to push home the call that the protection of the Arkham aquifer and the surrounding wetlands from further commercial exploitation was vital to the well being of every citizen of Gotham. Screw those hawks in City Hall. Screw the rainbow trout and screw those paddle boats.

Harley Quinn woke from her short strange slumber with a gasp to find herself staring into the large gapping maw of Pam Isley's hawthorn creature - with a very loud inhuman shriek she jumped up and tried her best to hug the thing - it was so good to be home - sending the terrified plant creature smashing straight through the door into the next room. The same room where Pam Isley was sitting down to a very liquid lunch with Selina Kyle; with a cry that would make an Apache warrior proud, Harley Quinn ran in after the hawthorn creature and straight into her Red. Ivy. Pammmmmy's waiting arms.

Selina "Catwoman" Kyle was licking the bottom of her glass, when a large scary plant monster covered in thorns followed by a crazy blonde in pigtails dressed in a small white baby tee and sweatpants broke through the door and hurled themselves across the room at Pam Isley with the force of a gale force hurricane. It was fortunate that Selina had the lightening reflexes of a cat; she managed to save the bottle Pam has holding just in time to salute the glasses who met their end bravely with a crash. How nice that Harley Quinn had decided to join them for lunch, and she had brought a friend along.

Pamela Isley had been trying to refill Selina Kyle's glass when the door crashed in and she hit the table, wall and floor (in that order) and everything went from white to black to green.

In the end, the damage wasn't too bad, nothing that won't heal eventually. She cracked a few ribs, broke a collar bone, and sustained multiple lacerations, major bruising and a concussion straight from hell. Pam Isley was out like a night light in a blackout for 3 days. During which she had the strangest dream of sitting at a kitchen table helping Alec Holland detassel corn. They hadn't spoken to each other for years.

Pam woke to find herself on her day bed in the loft under her sun lamp with a sleeping hawthorn monster curled up at her feet and Harley Quinn reading Madam Bovary to her. It was so good to be home. She hated corn.

It was a couple days later when she was feeling much better (and much less murderous) that Harley Quinn gave Pamela Isley the letter from Prof. Crane. It was a simple hand written note on some very stylish stationery (that man had taste). Jonathan "Scarecrow" Crane was writing to apologize for failing to pay his invoice (he hoped that Pamela would not think too badly of him in light of all the good times they shared and maybe they could hook up again the next time Harley Quinn was out of town). It was just that he noticed that new penalty clause in her standard supplier contract a few months ago (and Harvey "Two Face" Dent said no one would read the fine print) and it had given him an idea.

He would trick the Batman into thinking that he, Jonathan "Scarecrow" Crane was going to attack that special spa in Gotham (the one that all the fat cats use to trim away the excesses of living). Crane would arrange for an explosion which would dose the Bat in fear toxin, thereby turning Batman into a madman (The great Batman scared out of his mind. How does it feel?).

With the Bat screwed, Crane would then put his master plan into action; which was (as usual) to release massive amounts of fear toxin into the water supply, turning Gotham into a fear filled inferno (An entire city screaming in fear. I wonder if we'll be able to hear it).

It was a perfect plan with the perfect trigger; Crane had never any intention of paying his invoice. He wanted Pam Isley to rat him out to the Bat.

It was a setup from the very beginning starting with Dr Leland's phone call asking Harley Quinn to sponsor Crane's release from Arkham, to taking Rosie (the rosebush) to Rumba class to passionately discussing the Bhagavad Gita and its expounded philosophy of detachment in action with her. Jonathan "Scarecrow" Crane was taking her, Pamela "Poison Ivy" Isley for a pansy and even worse she had gone along with all of it (even the dirty dancing part which she could rather forget, thank you very much) because SHE had wanted to double cross him to save the Arkham wetlands. What he did to her was unforgivable after they had played word games together, sung songs from The Pirates of Penzance (Crane really had a lovely voice) and even stopped for ice cream. Pam Isley could feel her acid blood boiling. If there was any double crossing to be done, IT WOULD BE DONE BY HER and NOT that weedy little man. The next time Harley Quinn was out of town, she would definitely make sure that Jonathan Crane got hooked up (by his nuts with a briar patch that is).

In the 72 hours that Pam Isley was knocked out cold, the penalty clause in Crane's contract had come into effect and Harvey "Two Face" Dent (after having reached a profitable settlement with all aggrieved parties) took over as her designate because time was his money (that was something both of him could always somehow agree on) and ratted Crane out to the Bat. Dent had given the Bat the delivery address of Crane's shipment, which was that special spa in Gotham (the one that all the fat cats use to trim away the excesses of living). As they say the rest is a matter of public record (they even made not a half bad movie about it).

While fighting a man drilling into the spa's pipes, Batman was doused with the poison the man was going to pour into the system. As Batman's incoherent blabbing and hallucinations grew worse, he was incarcerated at Arkham (after running his ride off the road) by Dr Bart. Ever resourceful, Batman escaped, found the entrance to the Arkham reservoir and attacked the Scarecrow's giant pump. Despite the hallucinations kicking in again, Batman managed to overcome his fear and destroy the master console. But there was the matter of the second console that the Scarecrow had installed for emergencies such as this.

When Batman reached the second console, he was plunged in a nightmare seeing the power cord as a vicious snake. Yanking it, Batman destroyed the machine and defeated Scarecrow, who was exposed to his own fear gas (yet again) when a tank containing it exploded. In the end the Bat (despite having showered in fear toxin) had managed to kick Crane's butt (yet again).

Crane ended back in Arkham a raving lunatic due to exposure to the fear toxin much to Dr Leland's dismay (he was doing so good right before his relapse). The good doctors at Arkham expect to release him back to greater community as a productive cooperative member of Gotham society in 6 months.

The Bat ended up sleeping for 2 days flat (Twinkle, twinkle, little bat! How I wonder what you're at! Up above the world you fly, Like a teatray in the sky) leaving the boys in charge of the Bat cave. The boys decided to throw a little party to impress the girls from the Xavier Institute for Higher Learning which gets out of hand and necessitates intervention by the Justice League (And the Bat thought Superman gave him grief during those meetings about poison in Gotham's water).

Dent ended up in Aruba (indefinitely until the heat dies down in Gotham, the Bat doesn't like it when you set him up. He hates being a pansy). Calls to his office are currently left unanswered and even his cleaning lady has left town.

Kyle ended up keeping her nose clean of a very dirty bit of business (the Bat doesn't like it when you set him up, especially if you are playing touchy with him. He hates being a purple pansy like the Joker). She is currently evaluating the merits of investing in Gotham's drinking water industry. Hey everyone drinks bottled in Gotham.

Isley ended up snug in Harley Quinn's arms (dreaming about Crane's nuts roasting in an open fire) with the harlequin softly kissing her neck over and over and over again like a sexually precocious puppy. The Arkham wetlands are save for now with the proposal to convert them into recreational lakes becoming a political hot potato. All development plans have been pushed onto the backburner.

And Quinn? Quinn ended up where she started out. (The road to Arkham is paved with well intentions, what the heck does that mean?). She has agreed to act as Jonathan Crane's sponsor again and is looking forward to his future release from Arkham.

Finis


End file.
